Here’s a Christmas question.

If 40 per cent of Canadians plan to do some or all of their holiday shopping online, up 11 per cent over last year, why am I stalled in this two-block lineup waiting to turn into the mall?

You’d expect the malls to be decked with 40 per cent fewer shoppers. Not only that, there’s a recession on, people. Aren’t you supposed to be at home shivering in the dark instead of standing in front of me at the checkout, your arms full of holiday goodies, while your annoying children cling to you, wheedling for more?

Something doesn’t add up here.

Think about it. Walmart is open 24-7. You could shop at 3 a.m. and avoid me and the rush altogether. Of course, for all I know, there could be lineups at 3 a.m. too. I’m not curious enough to find out.

Then there’s Amazon, eBay, Indigo, Best Buy, etc., where you can buy all your presents on your phone and angels in brown uniforms will deliver them overnight.

And you can pick up gift cards for anything from iTunes to African safaris at the gas station or the drug store.

It’s simply not necessary to go out at peak hours, which are defined as those times when I like to do my own Christmas shopping: between 2 and 4 p.m. on weekends, prior to or immediately after my afternoon nap.

Somehow the message isn’t getting through. This year, I may have to do my Christmas shopping on Dec. 28, which is far enough away from Boxing Day, which is just another excuse for people to get in my way.

I’m sure friends and loved ones won’t mind. There’s usually a big letdown after all the presents are unwrapped, and there’s not much to look forward to other than four to six more months of winter. Getting thoughtful gifts on December 28 will be a surprise treat.

Look, it’s not all bad. When I got to the mall near my place this past weekend, it was a zoo, as expected, but some marketing genius decided to offer valet parking: eight bucks. Drive up, hand the family SUV over to a professional, and walk directly into the mall. Best eight bucks I ever spent.

And my wife had just enough Christmas spirit left to bake the traditional family dark Christmas cakes. I helped by waiting until she had them all wrapped and stored, and only then snuck into the kitchen and plundered at will.

There are some things you just can’t do online.